you know, whatever, fuck it
obviously im not that important, my opinion obviously doesn’t fucking matter, i dont matter so fuck you, im over it and i fucking give up on trying.
didnt get any presents from my boyfriend and friends for my birthday
i know its not all about that, its good to just spend time with them but it still would have been nice
gee, i dont know, do i feel loved, i think not
i just dont feel enough for anyone, i never do anything right
no one ever stays long enough, they always leave
i just want to fly away, i dont want to do this anymore
being in hospital after i’ve tried to kill myself twice in the past is not something im proud of but i wouldn’t take it back. quite surprised im still here actually, after what i did. its also not something i have shared with alot of people, only a few people know and at the time, no one knew.
people dont take self-harm seriously these days, they see scars or cuts on your arm or body and just think nothing of it, ignore it, or joke about it… but just take a minute to realise how much pain and how much you have to be hurting to take a razor and drag it across your skin, or harm yourself purposely in any other way… they might tell you to stop once but they dont realise how hard that is and how much you need them to be there for you, even if they dont say anything. they dont realise how serious it is. people just fuck me off, when they just have no compassion or they are just so ignorant about someones mental state, if someone has a mental illness. they dont think about things before they say them. have a little respect for others.
i know we have never been close, i know you have been through alot of shit in the past 8 or 9 years, but that gives you no fucking right to treat me like dirt. i thought we were supposed to be sisters, but we’re just like people who hate each other. you have no idea how mad and upset you make me, calling me shitty names, saying im the worst daughter and sister ever, treating me like i dont exist basically, like im worthless. that’s not how its supposed to be. you and your precious little world can go fuck yourself. i have put up with a lot of shit in this family over these years and i dont deserve to be treated like this. you were never there for me, you didn’t give a fuck about me and my problems. so now i have decided that you aren’t even worth it, you aren’t worth my tears or anger. from now on i dont even consider you a sister, you’re just part of the family. i dont give a fuck about you anymore, just like you dont about me, just like you hate me.
do you ever feel like when you do your best its just not good enough? like at school, teachers always make me feel like im not doing my best and that i should be getting 100%. i just hate it. being around friends that get full marks and A’s and B’s when i get C’s, even though i try as hard as i can, then they just dont say anything when im like, i got a C. it just makes me feel horrible. when you hear people complain about getting a B, like have you ever gotten a D, shut the fuck up and be happy with what you have got. i just wish i was good enough, what i am was good enough.
it just seems like everything i say doesn’t mean anything or matter, it seems like im never good enough for anyone, it seems like i should just give up.